1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s
rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn in
to an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s almost Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out
of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to
eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound pl ate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a
slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded
with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some scruples.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you
leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember
this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a great holiday season; whatever your superstition…err…I mean beliefs are